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I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Faces
Pockets
Funny
Hot
Always
Glad
Never
Gonna
Like
Paid
Comedy
Eaten
Hurt
Pocket
Dies
Afterwards

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When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.
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When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
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I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.
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A lot of people are like, You're doing commercials? And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It's hard work, and I'm paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda.
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Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
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The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?
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Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.
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There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
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This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, There's my wife... there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man.
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How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
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In Indiana, I wasn't anything special. But in New York, I've gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I'm exotic!
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I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.
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The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
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For stand-up comedians that go onstage and get to write and perform and direct, and do all these things, the allure of a television show is still there but if it doesn't offer a level of creative fulfillment, it's oddly unappealing.
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I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.
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I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written.
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You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.
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I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.
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