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I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Comedy
Eaten
Hurt
Pocket
Dies
Afterwards
Faces
Pockets
Funny
Hot
Always
Glad
Never
Gonna
Like
Paid

More quotes by Jim Gaffigan

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Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'
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I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written.
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You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
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I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain persona. Comedians write the way they're going to write.
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Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.
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Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
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Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.
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You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
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I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time.
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My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.
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When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
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Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!
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I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.
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I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.
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You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
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I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.
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I'd been acting and doing stand-up in New York about eight years, getting rejected, and I finally got the opportunity to do stand-up on Letterman, which holds even more importance for me. With comedians, that's definitely the pinnacle, but being from Indiana, it was a big to-do.
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Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote these are WMD's on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.
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Be more assertive with what you want to do.
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Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.
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