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I was looking at a bottle of water they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Facts
Rough
Ideas
Humor
Side
Sides
Nutritional
Looking
Chemist
Water
Bottle
Funny
Printed
Idea
Bottles

More quotes by Jim Gaffigan

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I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.
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Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.
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Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'
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Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
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You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
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My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.
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I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.
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It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'
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A lot of people are like, You're doing commercials? And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It's hard work, and I'm paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda.
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I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.
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Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'
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Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
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How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
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The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?
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The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.
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Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.
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Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.
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I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... Get away from 'em!
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Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.
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Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
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