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I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
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Mormon
Lesbian
Audiences
Sitting
Couple
Audience
Family
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More quotes by Jim Gaffigan

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Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
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Stand-up is so rewarding, and I enjoy the acting opportunities I've had, but the only time I really feel bad is when I feel like I have this manufactured belief that I should be doing something else or there should be some type of recognition. On an intellectual level, I know it's stupid.
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The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?
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Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
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I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
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I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of sit back and wait your turn, or sit back and wait and let other people do things.
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My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.
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That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
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I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
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I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a while after that. Kind of like the first time you do a drug, you're like, Huh! This is pretty darn good, and then you spend all your money trying to get the same high.
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Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.
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I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.
Jim Gaffigan
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My new years resolution? I will be less laz.
Jim Gaffigan
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I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written.
Jim Gaffigan
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Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?
Jim Gaffigan
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I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
Jim Gaffigan
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Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: I still live near you! The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
Jim Gaffigan
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When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
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I'm not a foodie I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest to do that much research.
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There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
Jim Gaffigan