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I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Parent
Equips
Comedian
Lifestyle
Opposite
Opposites

More quotes by Jim Gaffigan

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Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'
Jim Gaffigan
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I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.
Jim Gaffigan
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They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight.
Jim Gaffigan
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Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: I still live near you! The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
Jim Gaffigan
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I was looking at a bottle of water they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
Jim Gaffigan
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Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it
Jim Gaffigan
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I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.
Jim Gaffigan
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I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.
Jim Gaffigan
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Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!
Jim Gaffigan
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I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.
Jim Gaffigan
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As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts.
Jim Gaffigan
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The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
Jim Gaffigan
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I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.
Jim Gaffigan
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I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.
Jim Gaffigan
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I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.
Jim Gaffigan
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Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?
Jim Gaffigan
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I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.
Jim Gaffigan
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
Jim Gaffigan
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I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.
Jim Gaffigan
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I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to that I'm going to do the project. I tell myself, I'm going to read this script like six times, and I only read it the initial time.
Jim Gaffigan