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One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Never
Tons
Salad
Satisfied
Benefits
Eating

More quotes by Jim Gaffigan

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I've always been somebody that it takes me longer to learn things, but once I learn them... I'm like a quarterback that plays best in the fourth quarter.
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I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.
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Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.
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I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.
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For stand-up comedians that go onstage and get to write and perform and direct, and do all these things, the allure of a television show is still there but if it doesn't offer a level of creative fulfillment, it's oddly unappealing.
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Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
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You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.
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I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
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When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.
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I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
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This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, There's my wife... there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man.
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Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot
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I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.
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Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?
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Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.
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I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.
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I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
Jim Gaffigan