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What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
Jim Gaffigan
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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Mayonnaise
Ranch
Dressings
Dressing
Ingredients
Disappointment
Exactly
Mayo
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Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it
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I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
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I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.
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Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.
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One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
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You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, Hey, how's that book? I haven't read it. Oh, did you just buy it? I've had it since high school. Well, can I borrow it? No.
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Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
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I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written.
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You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
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For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.
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I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.
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There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.
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My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.
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Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
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But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.
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I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time.
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Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?
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Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.
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