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Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
Jim Gaffigan
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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Remember
Correcting
Grammar
Correct
Comedian
Likes
Whenever
Nobody
Humorists
Someone
Spelling
More quotes by Jim Gaffigan
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
Jim Gaffigan
Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote these are WMD's on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.
Jim Gaffigan
It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That's how my background influenced my comedy.
Jim Gaffigan
I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.
Jim Gaffigan
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
Jim Gaffigan
Television's very much a writer's medium, as it probably should be, but if you're not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It's just kind of how it's constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don't want to come across as a jerk.
Jim Gaffigan
You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?
Jim Gaffigan
There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.
Jim Gaffigan
I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.
Jim Gaffigan
I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.
Jim Gaffigan
Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
Jim Gaffigan
I didn't realize how much of a Hoosier or a Midwesterner I was until I moved to New York. It's weird - growing up in Indiana, I wanted to get out, and now I completely romanticize Indiana. It just seems like there's a greater focus on family back there, which I suppose is something that kind of stayed with me.
Jim Gaffigan
What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
Jim Gaffigan
You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
Jim Gaffigan
As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts.
Jim Gaffigan
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: I still live near you! The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
Jim Gaffigan
Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?
Jim Gaffigan
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
Jim Gaffigan
Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
Jim Gaffigan
Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.
Jim Gaffigan
