Quote

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

Jim Gaffigan

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Anyone
Shuttles
Asking
Friend
Hell

More quotes by Jim Gaffigan

Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?
Jim Gaffigan
Image
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'
Jim Gaffigan
Image
Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: I still live near you! The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?
Jim Gaffigan
Image
Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'
Jim Gaffigan
Image
Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.
Jim Gaffigan
Image
Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?
Jim Gaffigan
Image
If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill.
Jim Gaffigan