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But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Moving
Indiana
Everyone
Texas
Best
Gonna
Things
York
Like
Humor
Move
Funny
Bigs

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What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
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The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.
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I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.
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I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.
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We wrote about having five kids and bringing them to church. A journalist at The Washington Post wrote this article where the headline was The New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan. And it was a bit terrifying.
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You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.
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Television's very much a writer's medium, as it probably should be, but if you're not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It's just kind of how it's constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don't want to come across as a jerk.
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I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.
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Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.
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I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'
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I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time.
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When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.
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Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.
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We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’
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They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight.
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Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.
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Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
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I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?
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I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.
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Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.
Jim Gaffigan