Quote

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Would
Fathers
Blowin
Gonna
Burger
Usually
Brat
Start
Burgers
Energy
Steak
Father
July
Need
Founding
Needs
Crap

More quotes by Jim Gaffigan

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Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'
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I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.
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The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
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If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.
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When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.
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I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done with a project. There are always sick people.
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Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it
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I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.
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Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
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For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.
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I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
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I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling.
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My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I'm not in control of things.
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Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.
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Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.
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Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!
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“Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldn’t it be hysterical if we went bowling?”
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I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
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Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: Something smells like smoke in here! Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy.
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I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
Jim Gaffigan