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How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Dumb
Sell
Sells
Americans
Water
Think
Thinking
Idiots
Idiot

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I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.
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I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.
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A lot of people are like, You're doing commercials? And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It's hard work, and I'm paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda.
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One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
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The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
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I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to that I'm going to do the project. I tell myself, I'm going to read this script like six times, and I only read it the initial time.
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I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of sit back and wait your turn, or sit back and wait and let other people do things.
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I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.
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It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'
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But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.
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Boutique hotels are great, but they get too cute. Some hotels have shoe polish. It's like, come on, this isn't 1960. No one's polishing their shoes.
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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
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Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'
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Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.
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When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it - it kind of quells my narcissism.
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I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.
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I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done with a project. There are always sick people.
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I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.
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I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
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