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How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Sell
Sells
Americans
Water
Think
Thinking
Idiots
Idiot
Dumb

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When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it - it kind of quells my narcissism.
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The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
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There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
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After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
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Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.
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I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'
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I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.
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I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
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When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.
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I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
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I think it's important to control your opportunities, because in the entertainment world, it's not up to you. I'm not sitting here under this naïve belief that someone in Hollywood is going, Gaffigan! What kind of a show can I build around him? So you have to find things that can showcase your point of view.
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I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.
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Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.
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Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.
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My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.
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Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
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I would say that now I'm somebody who goes to church.
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But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.
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My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'
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Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia.
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