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How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Americans
Water
Think
Thinking
Idiots
Idiot
Dumb
Sell
Sells

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Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.
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You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! Hey I got a - who cares.
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Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
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I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.
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Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'
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Be more assertive with what you want to do.
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I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
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It's kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound. And it had a deep impact, and I think it still does.
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That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.
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I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
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On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've discovered you.
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I'd been acting and doing stand-up in New York about eight years, getting rejected, and I finally got the opportunity to do stand-up on Letterman, which holds even more importance for me. With comedians, that's definitely the pinnacle, but being from Indiana, it was a big to-do.
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I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
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This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, There's my wife... there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man.
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You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.
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I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
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It really never came up, but I think that in present-day America, they're - you know, and I touched on it in the initial clip - is that we are in the middle of this culture war.
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