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Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Joyful
Parties
Birthday
Events
Party
Ever
Children
Resent
People
Attend

More quotes by Jim Gaffigan

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I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.
Jim Gaffigan
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Most of my material is , it doesn't necessarily involve a lot of editing. So even the show with the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, I don't have to worry about some of the material being inappropriate.
Jim Gaffigan
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Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'
Jim Gaffigan
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Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
Jim Gaffigan
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It took me a long time to understand not to get caught up in other people's expectations. It really comes down to creative fulfillment. It took me a while to realize I don't want to just be on a show to be on a show.
Jim Gaffigan
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The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
Jim Gaffigan
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Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!
Jim Gaffigan
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I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.
Jim Gaffigan
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The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
Jim Gaffigan
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Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.
Jim Gaffigan
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I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.
Jim Gaffigan
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One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
Jim Gaffigan
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The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?
Jim Gaffigan
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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
Jim Gaffigan
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I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.
Jim Gaffigan
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People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?
Jim Gaffigan
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Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
Jim Gaffigan
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When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
Jim Gaffigan
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Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot
Jim Gaffigan
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Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, Hey Jim, how ya do- I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages! That's great, what was it about? No idea! Took me three years!
Jim Gaffigan