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Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Park
Parks
Illegal
Okay
Space
Stall
Handicapped
Parking
Bathroom
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I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
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Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
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I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.
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Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
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Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
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So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: What is this? What did you say? What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy? Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!
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I am speechless: I have no speech
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I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
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There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.
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Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
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Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.
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Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
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I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings
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Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
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Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.
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Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.
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Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.
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Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it.... I think that the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
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