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On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Costume
Superman
Costumes
Attempt
Boxes
Side
Sides
Actually
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Festivus for the Restivus!
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Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
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Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.
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I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
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Let's face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There's a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we're always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn't buy it.
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I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
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You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
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Pay attention don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
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Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
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Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?
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Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
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To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
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You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.
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Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.
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Success is the enemy of comedy.
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Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light' but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
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That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
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