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My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Learned
Wife
Funny
Dabble
Bigs
Accent
House
Accents
Around
Surprised
English
Daughter
More quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?
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Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
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People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
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Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
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Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.
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Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
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You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
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Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
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Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.
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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
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You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. There's a quarter....
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The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.
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Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.
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You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
Jerry Seinfeld
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Jerry Seinfeld
Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going Quit it.
Jerry Seinfeld
They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.
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See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
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Men want to make women happy.
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