Quote

Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going Quit it.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Going
Forth
Memory
Memories
Scout
Stop
Cubs
Actually
Bus
Running
Hats
Back
Quit
Trying
Quitting

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If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
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I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
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People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
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Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
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A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.
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Pay attention don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
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Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.
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The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head. I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings
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A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
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Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
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I am speechless: I have no speech
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They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.
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The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.
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Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.
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It's like having... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That's what Transcendental Meditation is!
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The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
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And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
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That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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