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Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Working
Wherever
Women
Anywhere
Men
Group
World
Organization
Groups
Looking
Getting

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I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
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People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?
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Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people.
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Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.
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You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
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Pay attention don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
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Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it.... I think that the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
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I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.
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Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
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It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.
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Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
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Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
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Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
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Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
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