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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Like
Wife
Fats
Guy
Comedian
Socks
Talking
Unknown
Toughest
Funny
Singers
Sock
Night
Opening
Jones
Young
Jokes
Nights
Real
Grace
Nuts
Time
Comedy
Italian

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Festivus for the Restivus!
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I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
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It's like having... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That's what Transcendental Meditation is!
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Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
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Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
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Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
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You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
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Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
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Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
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I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.
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Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, I could do that! He's not that good.
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I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.
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Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
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Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
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Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
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You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
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I'll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? ...And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think 'those kids'll be alright.'
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I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son
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