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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Like
Wife
Fats
Guy
Comedian
Socks
Talking
Unknown
Toughest
Funny
Singers
Sock
Night
Opening
Jones
Young
Jokes
Nights
Real
Grace
Nuts
Time
Comedy
Italian

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People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
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The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head. I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings
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After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
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If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.
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Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
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On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'
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There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
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Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
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I am freaking out! I am freaking out, man!
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To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
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But I don't want to be a pirate!
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I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
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When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.
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Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
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The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.
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This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
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The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
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People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
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Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’
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