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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Night
Opening
Jones
Young
Jokes
Nights
Real
Grace
Nuts
Time
Comedy
Italian
Like
Wife
Fats
Guy
Comedian
Socks
Talking
Unknown
Toughest
Funny
Singers
Sock
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Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.
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I'll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? ...And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think 'those kids'll be alright.'
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I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.
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But I don't want to be a pirate!
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The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
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On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'
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What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
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The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
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That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.
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Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light' but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
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I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
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I am freaking out! I am freaking out, man!
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We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.
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Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Jerry Seinfeld
