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Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Count
Surrender
Sell
Sells
Burger
Ultimate
Mcdonald
Goal
Burgers
Doe
Voluntarily
Every
Cows
More quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?
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What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
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Why would anybody want a friend?
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Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
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The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
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After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
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That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.
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It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.
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To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
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A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.
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If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
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The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
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The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
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My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
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I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings
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Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going Quit it.
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A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
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I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
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Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.
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