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If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Problem
Laundry
Shirt
Shirts
Dirty
Biggest
Maybe
More quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.
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I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
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People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
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Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
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I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.
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Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
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I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
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Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
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You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
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I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
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The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
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I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
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You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
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Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I'm going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle.
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The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That's marriage, it's kids, it's work, it's exercise. Find the torture you're comfortable with and you'll do well. You've mastered that, you've mastered life.
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I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.
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I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
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If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
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Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
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