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You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. There's a quarter....
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Always
Streets
Quarter
Time
Cause
Quarters
Crazy
Pockets
Causes
Dogs
Looking
Driving
Funny
Street
Money
Dog
Change
Walking
More quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
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People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
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Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
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I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
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Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
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I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.
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If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
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That's the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.
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Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.
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The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
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Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
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A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
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There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
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Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
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Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
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Let's face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There's a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we're always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn't buy it.
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I love the day date. No wine, no shower.
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