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I love the day date. No wine, no shower.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Date
Wine
Love
Shower
Showers

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Success is the enemy of comedy.
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Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
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Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
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Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
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People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
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Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’
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You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
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I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
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A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
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See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
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What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
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Economy is essential to all good art.
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Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
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Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
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Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
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There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
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Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
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Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
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