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Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Someone
Women
Body
Men
Like
Doctors
Models
Knowledge

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To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
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The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
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I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, I could do that! He's not that good.
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I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
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There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
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And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
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Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
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Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people.
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Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
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Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested.
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That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
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Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
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Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.
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We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.
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