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The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Worst
Potatoes
Everybody
Chips
Better
Shirt
Sofa
Thing
Shirts
Sliding
Something
Fronts
Sofas
Never
Front
Crumbs
Anybody
Potato
Television
Chip

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You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings
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Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
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If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?
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Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
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Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
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Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.
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Success is the enemy of comedy.
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But I don't want to be a pirate!
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Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
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