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Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Heavy
Hour
Sex
Hours
Understand
Like
Meaningless
Dinner

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The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
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The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head. I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings
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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
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A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested.
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I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
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When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.
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Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
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There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
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I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
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Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
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Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
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The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.
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Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.
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The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
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Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
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I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'
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