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I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Understand
Thanks
Shows
Cameras
Ends
Smell
Wells
Watching
Well
Taste
Goodbye
Never
Hold
Cook
Show
Cooks
Funny
Camera

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Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
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I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
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Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
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I love advertising because I love lying.
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
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If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.
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Pay attention don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
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I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.
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Sometimes they'll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I'll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message.
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Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
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Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.
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A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
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My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
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The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head. I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings
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So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: What is this? What did you say? What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy? Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!
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Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
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And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
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Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
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I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.
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