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I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Wells
Watching
Well
Taste
Goodbye
Never
Hold
Cook
Show
Cooks
Funny
Camera
Understand
Thanks
Shows
Cameras
Ends
Smell

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Success is the enemy of comedy.
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If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
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A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
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We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape, we didn't get a good night's sleep, we're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
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Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
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A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
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My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
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The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
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People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
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I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
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Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something.
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Pay attention don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
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Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light' but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
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Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
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You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
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That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
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Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
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