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What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Still
Motivational
Pour
Body
Hair
Spiders
Every
Single
Dry
Funny
Root
Understand
Hot
Inspirational
Bodies
Stills
Scared
Women
Roots
Rip

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But I don't want to be a pirate!
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When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.
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I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.
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I love being a dad. I just love it.
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Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
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To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
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Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going Quit it.
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Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?
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Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!
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I'll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? ...And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think 'those kids'll be alright.'
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It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.
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Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
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That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head. I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings
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Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld