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If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Movie
Hours
Actors
Two
Years

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Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
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You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
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They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.
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Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I'm going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle.
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The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
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Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
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People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested.
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Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
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Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.
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Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
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We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape, we didn't get a good night's sleep, we're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
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If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
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Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
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Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people.
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Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
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I love the day date. No wine, no shower.
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Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
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