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Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Moving
Marriage
Board
Made
Laughing
Boards
Make
Pieces
Outcomes
Love
Move
Chess
Like
Relationship
Smoke
Game
Effect
Games
Except
Flowing
Water
Effects
Outcome
More quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
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Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
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Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can't create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way.
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Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.
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The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
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So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: What is this? What did you say? What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy? Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!
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But I don't want to be a pirate!
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Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
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Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
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I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
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People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
Jerry Seinfeld
Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!
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I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
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I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?
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Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Jerry Seinfeld
