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Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Love
Move
Chess
Like
Relationship
Smoke
Game
Effect
Games
Except
Flowing
Water
Effects
Outcome
Moving
Marriage
Board
Made
Laughing
Boards
Make
Pieces
Outcomes
More quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
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People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
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Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going Quit it.
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Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
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I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
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I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings
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I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
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Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
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You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. There's a quarter....
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Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.
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When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.
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Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
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Why would anybody want a friend?
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If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
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Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
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You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested.
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Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
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Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
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Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it.... I think that the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
Jerry Seinfeld
