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I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Ems
Hear
Special
Specials
Menu
Menus
More quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
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Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
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If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?
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Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.
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Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
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Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.
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Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
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Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.
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Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?
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Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I'm going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle.
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested.
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Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
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Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me.
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Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!
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Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
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Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
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If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Jerry Seinfeld
Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
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Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
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