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I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Specials
Menu
Menus
Ems
Hear
Special

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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That's marriage, it's kids, it's work, it's exercise. Find the torture you're comfortable with and you'll do well. You've mastered that, you've mastered life.
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You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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Success is the enemy of comedy.
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I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
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I like to try anything... You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.
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Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going Quit it.
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Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
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A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
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The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
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I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.
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When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.
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I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.
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Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
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Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people.
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Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
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Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later it's a relic.
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Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
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My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.
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Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
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