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I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Jerry Seinfeld

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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Special
Specials
Menu
Menus
Ems
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You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. There's a quarter....
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If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?
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You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
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You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
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Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
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Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
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Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light' but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
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Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
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Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
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You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
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No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.
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See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
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Let's face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There's a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we're always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn't buy it.
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I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
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Economy is essential to all good art.
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Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.
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Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
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Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can't create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way.
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