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People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Lied
Deserve
Comedy
Lying
Read
People
Tabloids
Hilarious
More quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
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The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
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My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.
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The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
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Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.
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I love being a dad. I just love it.
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There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
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Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
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I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.
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Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
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Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
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Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
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Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
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Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.
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The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
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The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
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I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
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Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
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Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
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Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
Jerry Seinfeld
