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Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Thing
Concerned
Accepting
Color
Lipstick
Comedy
Makeup
Word
Final
Funny
Finals
Ends
Lips
Important
Accept
More quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.
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A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
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Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
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I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
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Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
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People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?
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This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
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Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
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Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going Quit it.
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I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
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Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
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That's the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.
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Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
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If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
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Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
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There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
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The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
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