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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
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Jerry Seinfeld
Age: 70
Born: 1954
Born: April 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Humorist
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Jerome Allen Seinfeld
Cable Boy
Mr. Steinfeld
Jerome Allen Jerry Seinfeld
Every
Fit
Always
Amazing
World
Exactly
Fits
News
Newspaper
Amount
Witty
Media
Journalism
Funny
Humorous
Happens
Newspapers
More quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
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Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.
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Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light' but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
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Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people.
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The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.
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I love being a dad. I just love it.
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And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
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Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
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I love advertising because I love lying.
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Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
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I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
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A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
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A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.
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When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.
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I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
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Pay attention don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
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If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
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The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
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The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head. I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings
Jerry Seinfeld
