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Are you afraid, Tessa?

Jenny Downham

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Jenny Downham
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: January 1
Actor
Author
Film Actor
Novelist
Writer
Inner and Outer London
Afraid
Tessa

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If you want a girl to like you, you have to listen like a woman and love like a man.
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a little bird moves a mountain of sand one grain at a time it picks up one grain every million years and when the mountain has been moved the bird puts it all back again and that's how long eternity is and that's a very long time to be dead
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I love you. I love you. I send this message through my fingers and into his, up his arm and into his heart. Hear me. I love you. And I'm sorry to leave you.
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It hurts and hurts to have him this close. I feel sick with it.
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I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish he lived in the wardrobe on a coat hanger. Whenever I wanted, I could get him out and he'd look at me the way boys do in films, as if I'm beautiful.
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She'll understand what I already know - that death surrounds us all. And it tastes like metal between your teeth.
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Maybe I’ll come back as somebody else. I’ll be the wild-haired girl Adam meets in his first week at university. ‘Hi, are you on the horticultural course as well?
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Hold my hand. Don't let go.
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I'm me and you're you, and all of them out there are them. And we're all so different and equally unimportant.
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It's a shame i can't be there myself - i like parties. Text me if you think of any good hymns!
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I'm here. Soon I won't be. Zoey's baby is here. Its pulse tick-ticking. Soon it won't be. And when Zoey comes out of that room, having signed on the dotted line, she'll be different. She'll understand what I already know- that death surrounds us all. And it tastes like metal between you teeth.
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Every breath, every heartbeat, was one less until maybe things stopped hurting this much.
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Adam strokes my head, my face, he kisses my tears. We are blessed. Let them all go. The sound of a bird flying low across the garden. Then nothing. Nothing. A cloud passes. Nothing again. Light falls through the window, falls onto me, into me. Moments. All gathering towards this one.
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I've always wanted to be a cat. Warm and domesticated when you want to be, wild when you don't.
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No, really. I free you.' I don't want to be free.
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It's as if a child with a brush and too much enthusiasm has been set free with a tin of black paint inside me.
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