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I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.
Jen Lancaster
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Jen Lancaster
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: November 5
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More quotes by Jen Lancaster
Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.
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When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?
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I believe that I have such a vanilla life.
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I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career -- every woman needs a couple of chicks who'll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.
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You think you're so cool just because you can walk!
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I can't believe anyone would voluntarily run 26 miles. Sometimes I sit on the couch cross-legged because I don't feel like walking to the bathroom.
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When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes. Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad? I'm not taking them off. Why not? I spent $180 on that makeup job and I refuse to wash my face until I get my money's worth.
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You can't all of a sudden go to sleep one night and wake up Martha Stewart. It's bit by bit by bit.
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I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.
Jen Lancaster
I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.
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Everyone who reads me is someone I'd like to hang out with.
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Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
Jen Lancaster
I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.
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I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.
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Some people are destined to be deep thinkers. I am not one of those people.
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I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.
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I think people tend to be very myopic and they dont understand how their actions impact others.
Jen Lancaster
Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.
Jen Lancaster
I'm such a fangirl when it comes to other writers. I read 250 books a year, and I'm always talking up books by other authors.
Jen Lancaster
Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.
Jen Lancaster