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Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.

Jen Lancaster

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Jen Lancaster
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: November 5
Author
Writer
Would
Herpes
Describe
Forced
Word
Woman

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I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.
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I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.
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You can't all of a sudden go to sleep one night and wake up Martha Stewart. It's bit by bit by bit.
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No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken.
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I'm very detail oriented. I think that's why people enjoy my memoirs - because I tend to remember everything.
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Some people are destined to be deep thinkers. I am not one of those people.
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I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.
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Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.
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No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning.
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Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.
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Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
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Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.
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I can't believe anyone would voluntarily run 26 miles. Sometimes I sit on the couch cross-legged because I don't feel like walking to the bathroom.
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When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?
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I'm such a fangirl when it comes to other writers. I read 250 books a year, and I'm always talking up books by other authors.
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When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes. Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad? I'm not taking them off. Why not? I spent $180 on that makeup job and I refuse to wash my face until I get my money's worth.
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Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.
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Everyone who reads me is someone I'd like to hang out with.
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I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.
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I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.
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