Quote

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

Jen Lancaster

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Jen Lancaster
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: November 5
Author
Writer
Tossed
Salad
Mentally
Might

More quotes by Jen Lancaster

Image
You think you're so cool just because you can walk!
Jen Lancaster
Image
I think people tend to be very myopic and they dont understand how their actions impact others.
Jen Lancaster
Image
Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.
Jen Lancaster
Image
I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.
Jen Lancaster
Image
I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career -- every woman needs a couple of chicks who'll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.
Jen Lancaster
Image
When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes. Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad? I'm not taking them off. Why not? I spent $180 on that makeup job and I refuse to wash my face until I get my money's worth.
Jen Lancaster
Image
I'm very detail oriented. I think that's why people enjoy my memoirs - because I tend to remember everything.
Jen Lancaster
Image
I can't believe anyone would voluntarily run 26 miles. Sometimes I sit on the couch cross-legged because I don't feel like walking to the bathroom.
Jen Lancaster
Image
I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.
Jen Lancaster
Image
I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.
Jen Lancaster
Image
I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.
Jen Lancaster
Image
No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning.
Jen Lancaster
Image
I'm such a fangirl when it comes to other writers. I read 250 books a year, and I'm always talking up books by other authors.
Jen Lancaster
Image
Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.
Jen Lancaster
Image
Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.
Jen Lancaster
Image
You can't all of a sudden go to sleep one night and wake up Martha Stewart. It's bit by bit by bit.
Jen Lancaster
Image
No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken.
Jen Lancaster
Image
Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
Jen Lancaster
Image
Quinn Cummings is a master story-teller and her book is nothing short of delightful. Her insights into topics like celebrity, parenting, and cats with a taste for homicide are pithy and uproarious and not to be missed. Notes from the Underwire is charming, hilarious, and just snarky enough to be ultimately satisfying.
Jen Lancaster
Image
When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?
Jen Lancaster