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My birthday is in August - right before September, so I have that back to school feeling ingrained in me so that time of year is when I usually do personal goals or resolutions.

Jen Kirkman

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Jen Kirkman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: August 28
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Bay State
Right
Usually
Years
Personal
Ingrained
Time
Feeling
Resolutions
Year
August
Goal
September
Feelings
Resolution
School
Birthday
Back
Goals

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I don't understand why every single person in Congress isn't standing up and going, He [Donald Trump] is in bed with Russia. And then they could just lock their arms and not let him in.
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What I found out about myself was I am not someone who doesn't believe in marriage.
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Any expectation is what pain is.
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I just remember a creepy sex-ed teacher putting a banana on a condom and then saying, It goes in the girl if she gets all juicy. We didn't even believe it. We were like, Well, that's weird.
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I'm tired of explaining to Hollywood that people would laugh at me, because I go around America making them laugh every week. Nobody would be offended, nobody would think my leather pants are too controversial.
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My mother was like, What did they teach you?, and I had never talked about that [sex-ed] so I freaked out.
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I am never home, and it's hard to keep up with things that are good for you to have in life like relationships, whether they be romantic or friendship. I have to work twice as hard to make sure I don't just check out. That's what I mean by vulnerability.
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I always try to be open to whatever the universe wants from me.
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I'm wired to be neurotic and loud and high-strung.
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I wonder if that's the difference between fathers and mothers. I'm friends with people who have kids that are like 5 and under, and they're still in that intense mother-bonding phase. It might just be that. Because the dads haven't changed.
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I'm not like Woody Allen like, Oh my god what's going to happen? Ooh Ooh Oohhh. I'm just high-strung. So I do need to do a lot of stuff.
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Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.
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I actually really do meditation and then I spend my morning reading.
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Admittedly, the masturbation story is just a Hey, this is one of my best-of's, I'll throw it in the special. But the grandmother stuff, really, I feel like is part of the theme and part of the best way to end the story that I'm telling with the special.
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I just try to live a moderate life of always checking and trying to be the best person I can be and I'm in therapy and am always working on something.
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I don't run around feeling infused with positivity, but I'll have to be taking my last breath before I'll admit I'm dying. So I'm either optimistic or in denial.
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I don't like news channels so I have six websites that I check and I get the daily update.
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At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family.
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I realized that even I have weird intimacy issues with humans - like, I need my friendships to get deeper, I need to be locked in, I need to remember people's names. I know this sounds really stupid, but I just need to be more present in my life.
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Whatever my life looks like, I want it to be real and big and full. I want when, if I get hit by a car, I want to know that I have deep and real friendships, people to visit me in the hospital.
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