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Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.

Jen Kirkman

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Jen Kirkman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: August 28
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Bay State
Love
Golf
Handsome
Instead
Retiring
College
Nurse
Butterscotch
Education
Retirement
Replete
Community
Male
Nurses
Else
Males
Carts
Someone
Saving
Currently
Young
Luxury
Retired

More quotes by Jen Kirkman

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I thought that's what happened to women: You live alone when you're old.
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Admittedly, the masturbation story is just a Hey, this is one of my best-of's, I'll throw it in the special. But the grandmother stuff, really, I feel like is part of the theme and part of the best way to end the story that I'm telling with the special.
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Any expectation is what pain is.
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My mother was like, What did they teach you?, and I had never talked about that [sex-ed] so I freaked out.
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God, there's teaching biology and teaching sexuality, and it's two separate things. They mix it and make it more of a morality thing where it's like, A man and woman have a baby.
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My birthday is in August - right before September, so I have that back to school feeling ingrained in me so that time of year is when I usually do personal goals or resolutions.
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It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids.
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At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family.
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Whatever my life looks like, I want it to be real and big and full. I want when, if I get hit by a car, I want to know that I have deep and real friendships, people to visit me in the hospital.
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I used to make albums because I wasn't touring, and so I thought, This is the best way for people to find out about me.
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You never know anymore if you'll see something you don't want to see, if you're jealous of something, if you're going through a breakup and you see something, so I just don't even look at those things any more [ in Instagram].
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Sometimes I look [ on trolls on Twitter], but even one ignorant comment can make me go, Oh god.
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I don't understand why every single person in Congress isn't standing up and going, He [Donald Trump] is in bed with Russia. And then they could just lock their arms and not let him in.
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My joke is a picture of David Bowie on his balcony in the '70s in a suit in Paris, and unless that's you, I'm not interested. There are very few aesthetic types that I have, and people who look like that are not always necessarily good for me.
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My rule is if one person says it, a thousand people want to say it. That goes for compliments too. I try to balance it out in my head.
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My curriculum would be the whole year. It would be really slow and it would be about human anatomy. I would teach people about women's bodies so they understand what Planned Parenthood is for.
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I don't have anything to do all year. I'm not on tour until September.
Jen Kirkman
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I'm the queen of outside speakers.
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I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it.
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I always try to be open to whatever the universe wants from me.
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