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Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.

Jen Kirkman

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Jen Kirkman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: August 28
Actor
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Bay State
Education
Retirement
Replete
Community
Male
Nurses
Else
Males
Carts
Someone
Saving
Currently
Young
Luxury
Retired
Love
Golf
Handsome
Instead
Retiring
College
Nurse
Butterscotch

More quotes by Jen Kirkman

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There's something grand and revolutionary still about [women] traveling alone. There are some parts of the world where you can't.
Jen Kirkman
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I'd also talk about the period and of course all the different gender things that people might feel that they are. I'd be a terrible teacher because of what I don't know about that.
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I wonder if that's the difference between fathers and mothers. I'm friends with people who have kids that are like 5 and under, and they're still in that intense mother-bonding phase. It might just be that. Because the dads haven't changed.
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I mean, I can't say that I've had many deep thoughts because I traveled alone, but it's good to be with myself in the quiet.
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There have been many times in my life where I got opportunities that I never thought would be the things that I needed, so I'm always saying, I want to do this but whatever the universe thinks is right, I'm open. Because otherwise it causes me so much pain if I don't get what I want. It's my least favorite thing.
Jen Kirkman
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I'm wired to be neurotic and loud and high-strung.
Jen Kirkman
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I just remember a creepy sex-ed teacher putting a banana on a condom and then saying, It goes in the girl if she gets all juicy. We didn't even believe it. We were like, Well, that's weird.
Jen Kirkman
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My curriculum would be the whole year. It would be really slow and it would be about human anatomy. I would teach people about women's bodies so they understand what Planned Parenthood is for.
Jen Kirkman
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I'm not like Woody Allen like, Oh my god what's going to happen? Ooh Ooh Oohhh. I'm just high-strung. So I do need to do a lot of stuff.
Jen Kirkman
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God, there's teaching biology and teaching sexuality, and it's two separate things. They mix it and make it more of a morality thing where it's like, A man and woman have a baby.
Jen Kirkman
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You never know anymore if you'll see something you don't want to see, if you're jealous of something, if you're going through a breakup and you see something, so I just don't even look at those things any more [ in Instagram].
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I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it.
Jen Kirkman
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Sometimes I look [ on trolls on Twitter], but even one ignorant comment can make me go, Oh god.
Jen Kirkman
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I really will never understand pushing back on comedians who are like, I'm like a politician campaigning and shaking hands with these people. They're going to be okay.
Jen Kirkman
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I stay on [Twitter] because I deserve to.
Jen Kirkman
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My brain does like the idea of hosting a late-night show. My brain does like the idea of maybe having a show about me. So, I often pitch ideas and work on scripts and do that just because I may not be right about how I feel, so why not just do this, and if it happens and I got my own show, well maybe I would really end up falling in love with it.
Jen Kirkman
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I have a new rule where I only follow fashion people on Instagram.
Jen Kirkman
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I'm tired of explaining to Hollywood that people would laugh at me, because I go around America making them laugh every week. Nobody would be offended, nobody would think my leather pants are too controversial.
Jen Kirkman
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Any expectation is what pain is.
Jen Kirkman
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Its almost Thanksgiving! A day when you get to hear your extended family use racial slurs for groups are not taking away their jobs.
Jen Kirkman