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Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.

Jeff Ross

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Jeff Ross
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: September 13
Comedian
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Jeffrey Ross
Jeffrey Ross Lifschultz
The Roastmaster General
Standing
Stand
Sheen
Larry
Charlie

More quotes by Jeff Ross

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I had a life experience that most of my - that none of my friends had. I remember I became everybody's rabbi. Everybody who needed advice would talk to me, and it became an obvious thing.
Jeff Ross
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It's very rare that an older comedian sort of slips into an old-school clunker. You know, you don't hear too much of that anymore.
Jeff Ross
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The good thing about a jail show is nobody gets up and walks out.
Jeff Ross
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My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.
Jeff Ross
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Ninety percent of all prisoners in all jails get out some day. So why not give them a little levity in what's otherwise a very dark life?
Jeff Ross
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Sometimes during my set I invite volunteers up on stage to get speed-roasted and I'm worried that I may have hundreds of people rushing the stage all at once. Luckily I'm a black belt in karate and I can fend them off.
Jeff Ross
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In Boston where community policing is so important, they don't necessarily have to like each other, but they know each other. The cops in Boston make it their business to get out of their vehicles, to engage the public, to walk around the neighborhoods. They live in the community that they police. And I think these things help.
Jeff Ross
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Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances.
Jeff Ross
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I'm pretty careful about the things I say ahead of time. I'm thoughtful about not going too far. The only thing you can do occasionally is be too much.
Jeff Ross
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People are not afraid to be very direct with police. And I think that's part of the problem is that people are angry at the cops and then the cops are stressed out and they, you know, pay it backwards, so to speak.
Jeff Ross
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Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.
Jeff Ross
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My own personal rule is to tell jokes that I think the person I'm making them about can laugh at, to go home and tell their family, oh, my gosh.
Jeff Ross
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My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.
Jeff Ross
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I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.
Jeff Ross
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Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.
Jeff Ross
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I like to roast things from the inside out. I like to know what's going on.
Jeff Ross
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Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr—who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.
Jeff Ross
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It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.
Jeff Ross
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My parents passed away when I was a teenager, so I had to learn different survival techniques, I think, in comedy. You know, using comedy as a pressure release, as a release valve in life really kept my sanity.
Jeff Ross
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I would vote for you for President but I'm against big government.
Jeff Ross