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If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

Jeff Foxworthy

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Jeff Foxworthy
Age: 66
Born: 1958
Born: September 6
Actor
Comedian
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Songwriter
Voice Actor
Writer
Atlanta
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I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.
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Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.
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If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's babydoll.
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Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
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You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
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You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
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You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
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You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
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Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
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If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
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You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
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If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.
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You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
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I just love people. I love this country. I am the American dream. I grew up by the airport with a dirt yard. Never in my life should I have been a success. So that's what I love about this country [USA], is you get out there and you have the opportunity and you work hard at it, and you can be a success.
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You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.
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Country music is about new love and it's about old love.
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If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.
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You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
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You might be a redneck if you look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right
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If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.
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