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I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Jay Mohr

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Jay Mohr
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: August 23
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Parody
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Remember
Thirds
People
Miss
Rules
Kill
Grade
Missing
Grades
Dies
Fats
Show
Glasses
Shows
Third

More quotes by Jay Mohr

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I'm going to eventually shoot my own special, because you have to own your own content. My Turn (2003), that's never been released on DVD.
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Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.
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I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.
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The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.
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If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.
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When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.
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We all shared this experience. We all had one brain, we were one giant organism working and having joy. What about Walken? Sorry, bro...Maybe I should've done an hour and 34 minutes.
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I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.
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There's not a rocket scientist, not a doctor, not an accountant that 30 years in goes, Oh, now I'm getting it. Now I can't wait to get back out there because I'm better than ever.
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It's always a job when you're the reason they're assembling. If you're just doing shows and you're on a lineup with eight other guys, it's fun, it's great.
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I realized early I can manipulate the ceiling in the middle class. The allure becomes how far I can make the ceiling rise.
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I think stand-up's, the older they get, the better they get.
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True Yankees are born, not made.
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She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.
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I started to have panic attacks on stage and my wife just asked, Why don't you just stop? I was doing Ghost Whisperer at the time so I was making enough money where I could put it away and she said, Then, when you go back, you just go up and tell the truth. And it's a lot more tiring.
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If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.
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If anyone thinks my show was 'pretty good,' then I've completely failed.
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If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.
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There was never a moment in George Carlin's career where he dipped below an A+. When he came out with the Hippie Dippie Weatherman on The Tonight Show, I mean, it seems so mundane now, but it was in black and white TV and the whole bit was that this guy smoked tons of grass and was a terrible weather man. Forecast for tonight? Dark.
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I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.
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