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I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Jay Mohr

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Jay Mohr
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: August 23
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Parody
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Dies
Fats
Show
Glasses
Shows
Third
Remember
Thirds
People
Miss
Rules
Kill
Grade
Missing
Grades

More quotes by Jay Mohr

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I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.
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After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn't be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I'm looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.
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If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.
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If it's going to really make them happy for me to do it, I'll do Walken. I've got no problem with it at all.
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You could teach [George] Carlin in college. It's the construction of the word and the order of things and how they go. How all those sentences are timed perfectly.
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If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.
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I've always been very open about it. I've been very open about my addiction, about my panic disorder. But I think that transparency is what can separate you from others because I think that is where comedy is going.
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It's always a job when you're the reason they're assembling. If you're just doing shows and you're on a lineup with eight other guys, it's fun, it's great.
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I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.
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You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.
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I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.
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Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
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Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.
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We all shared this experience. We all had one brain, we were one giant organism working and having joy. What about Walken? Sorry, bro...Maybe I should've done an hour and 34 minutes.
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What I've realized in the last year, 80% of my act has already happened to me, and it's not until you retell the story at a party or to a friend or it comes up on the podcast that you, I don't know why I'm not doing that onstage!
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I know content-wise I leave nothing to chance. I have no anxiety about what I'm going to do once I'm out on stage.
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I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.
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When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.
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[George Carlin] was obsessive about time he was obsessive compulsive about his material and making things shorter and more perfect. He did an HBO hour every other year. It's live you have to be off-stage at 55 minutes. It's a network you've got to be off. And it's perfect.
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When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.
Jay Mohr