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I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Jay Mohr

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Jay Mohr
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: August 23
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Parody
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Kill
Grade
Missing
Grades
Dies
Fats
Show
Glasses
Shows
Third
Remember
Thirds
People
Miss
Rules

More quotes by Jay Mohr

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You could teach [George] Carlin in college. It's the construction of the word and the order of things and how they go. How all those sentences are timed perfectly.
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You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.
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Yogi Berra put it best, If people don't want to come, we can't stop them.
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I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.
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I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.
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There is a ceiling to it and there's a stigma. Billy Crystal as brilliant as he is, he's never going to be thought of as a contemporary like Alan Arkin.
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This happens to me every couple of years. I'll look at someone I respect and I'll realize that he's outworking me. It changes the way I behave for the next half decade.
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I've asked Comedy Central, and they just say, I don't know. It took Showtime two years to put my special on DVD. Owning your own content is the single most important thing in the world.
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Every time you talk about politics or religion, know that the moment you open your mouth you're isolating 50% of your audience, in any medium. You're taking 50% of people that'll buy tickets to come see you and you're removing them from the equation.
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I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.
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I realized early I can manipulate the ceiling in the middle class. The allure becomes how far I can make the ceiling rise.
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This is NOT a pretty good business. You cannot be pretty good and be a national headliner. That becomes the allure.
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Joan Rivers is 80 and she's fantastic. She lives in mortal fear of not filling that 1,500-seat room.
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If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.
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If it's going to really make them happy for me to do it, I'll do Walken. I've got no problem with it at all.
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If anyone thinks my show was 'pretty good,' then I've completely failed.
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The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.
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True Yankees are born, not made.
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I'm telling you, I could teach at a university, [George] Carlin, a whole semester. The construction and deconstruction of the words, the language, the order.
Jay Mohr
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I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.
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